OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
