im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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