I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
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I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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