Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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