Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
