Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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