my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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