Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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