Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
