look no pants
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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