He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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