i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize