I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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