you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
