so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
