connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
