Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
