I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
