i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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