I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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