Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
