I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
