I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
