I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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