Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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