Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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