Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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