I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
