somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????