You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
