I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
