people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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