Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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