Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
