Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize