I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize