if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
