I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
