Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
