i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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