hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i think i have herpe
just one?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
