I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
