i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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