a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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