ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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