chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
