My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
