a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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