You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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