i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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