i need an iv and a liver transplant
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
