You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
