You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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