You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
should my penis look like a turkey
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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