I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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