i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
