how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
