check it out our google latitudes are spooning
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
